daniel and emily

A very unusual thing happened to us last week.  I received the following e-mail out of the blue, and didn't know what to think:

You don’t know me, but I came across your site/blog through Google. My name is Bies Vermeulen and I live in Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
In December my best friend Daan is getting married to his fiancee Emilie. Since I’m his best man I would like to give them some marital advice in my speech.
But here’s the thing; I’m single at the time and have never been married. I thought it would be a nice idea if their American counterparts Dan and Emily would give them some advice. You guys look happy and could be a nice example for the Dutch Daan and Emilie. I hope you don’t mind me asking and can find the time to email me some advice for a long and happy marriage!

I was a little skeptical at first, but when I saw that Mr. Bies Vermeulen e-mailed me right back after I said I would think about it, I got excited.  Emily and I talked about what we would say.  here was our reply:

Dear Bies,

Thank you again for this wonderful opportunity to share a few things with you what Emily and I have learned about marriage.  This  is a very personal topic.  We strongly believe in marriage.  We both come from very strong families and have many many good examples all around us to follow.  We do not know much, but it's a pleasure to share what little we know with you and your friends.  Most of this advice is advice we received when we were married five years ago this month.

Here is the advice I would give Daan and Emilie:

1. Review a little bit about the history of marriage.  Marriage began in the Garden of Eden.  God said, "It is not good that man should be alone."  He formed the woman out of Adam's rib.  To me, this symbolizes that man and woman in marriage are to be side-by-side as equals, in an equal partnership, not one dominating or controlling the other.  God then married Adam and Eve, and commanded them to multiply and replenish the earth (have children) "that you may have joy in your posterity".  I try to remember that Marriage is not something that man or even Christian churches made up.  It's something that God, the very creator of the universe and the Father or our spirits instituted. God wants us to marry, and intends for us to be happy in marriage. God cares about Daan and Emilie's marriage very much, and He wants it to succeed.  Knowing you have access to God's help should give you assurance and strength, especially in difficult times. 

2. Something Emily and I do every night before we go to bed is to kneel down by the side of our bed and pray together.  It may be really awkward at first, but it's great.  I don't know of a better way than to ask for God's help in marriage, life, etc. than to kneel down next to your spouse and ask for God's guidance and express thanks for His blessings.  I highly recommend everyone try this practice for a month and see if your marriage is not any stronger.  We take turns -- one night, I pray.  The next night, Emily prays.

3. Strive for healthy interdependence.  By "interdependence", I mean relying on each other.  I realize that I can't succeed without Emily's help.  (I hope) Emily realizes that she can't succeed without my help.  For example, I work so that Emily can stay home and do what she does best -- nurture our children.  I can't do both very well, and I depend on her a lot.  I think a lot of marriages can end when there is a strong feeling of selfishness and independence in one or both parties.  An individual grows more and more independent of his or her spouse, and starts living their own life.  In our marriage, we try hard to live our lives together as much as possible.  We love talking with each other and sharing what we did during the day.  This helps keep our communication lines open.  This gives us time to plan together so we can accomplish the things we want to do.

4. Go on dates often.  Emily and I are not perfect at this, but we do our best to do something together every Friday night.  Sometimes we go out to a movie or dinner.  We don't have a lot of money and baby sitters add an expense, so we sometimes play board games, work on a project together (we're learning how to quilt), or rent a movie and watch it at home.  We take turns as to who will plan the next date.  One week it's Emily's turn to plan to do what she wants to do for our date, and the next week, it's my turn to plan it.  I must say, we sure have a lot of fun together.

5. Children have strengthened our marriage.  We have two children right now -- Jeffrey is almost 4, and Cambree just turned 2 years old.
They are such a delight.  I think the world discourages people from having children.  I don't quite understand why, because they are such a joy.  I hope Daan and Emilie plan on having children, because they're great.  Children have forced Emily and I to work together as equal partners in raising our children.  Children have taught us to love each other and to be more patient and selfless.  Our children have given us many opportunities to remember one of the most basic purposes of marriage: to have a family & raise children.  We try to set aside time on Saturday to do something as a family, like go to the park, zoo, play inside, visit the library, go get ice cream, etc.  We like our family days.

6.  The Proclamation To The World on the Family.  The last bit of advice I have for Daan and Emilie is to consider the truths taught in this document: http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,161-1-11-1,FF.html .  It states, "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

Thank you again for the opportunity.  I hope this is what you had in mind.  Emily and I have enjoyed thinking about what we woould say to our counterparts in Holland.  Please feel free to e-mail us if you have any other questions or if there is anything else we can do for you.

Sincerely,

Dan & Emily

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